I still framed photograph of u & me together. we were so in love & i tot it last forever. but in the storm we were torn. if i only knew the words to say that would make u turn around i would say those words to u, more than a million times its been forever but that hasnt changed. i know that time takes control of the wheel but right now i feel like nothing can heal. now im living in the past.

im sorry for all i did, what i said & the things i did. i cant imagine where id be if u had never rescued me, u gave me hope to live. now i need u, yes, i need u. & i wont forget u, dont regret you & the hardest thing ive had to do was live without u. & i wonder why we both walked away? im lost without u. just turn around come back bcs yr smile is overdue

& I miss u...
15 july, started to be best friend at the same time know each other better. who wouldve ever tot from stranger, he end up be this important person to me.

day by day knowing him, im the happiest girl. he always reminds me of how much beautiful i am to him. how much he loves me everyday. that was the day i felt, i'll not ask for more. he more than enough. he could be my best friend, my soulmate & my everything. u dont know how grateful i am for having him in my life.

Thru all these days, we hv been thru a lots of things. block, delete, run far away from him, argument, misunderstanding, but in the end we still be able to be in each other arms. not easy to be this far. sometimes i already felt like giving up but nothing can change my loves toward him. i'll still keep choosing him over & over. after hurt by hurt, he taught me how to be strong, how to remain sabr with every situation, how to handle my ego, my anger.

im not gonna regret knowing him & let him be a part of my life. what can i say now, since the day 1

tq for comforting me by telling me i can do better, tq for making me feel better when i feel like giving up, tq for giving me yr love, tenderness & trust. tq for sharing yr life with me every day. tq for understanding me when one else can. tq for letting me feel so much like myself when im with u. tq for sharing in my happiest moment, for listening to my saddest stories & radiating compassion. tq for being the only person i ever want to confide in. tq for the absolute privellige & honor of being able to call u my best friend, my fav guy, my soulmate. tq for showering me with happiness & endless laughter (without u realize) tq for being my person. tq for giving me these reasons & a million more, to be thankful for. & in this reality that we’ve met & beside me thru all the good & bad times i hv to say thank u so much for everything.

thank you for 355 days of the love that i will cherish for the rest of my life. all the daysof waiting, to see him from a cheeky boy to a man, it was all worth it.


u know who u r.....

I know we’re not talking right now, but its late on the night & i cant sleep. i cant sleep bcs im going to be doing it all alone. in a few days, i'll wake up, shower & go to class knowing that when i get to room i cant telling u how it went. instead, i'll just lay on my bed while feeling the full weight of the reality that the only person i want to tell about my day is the only person i cant talk to.

I confess that sometimes i still take yr shirt out of the pile & lie on my bed breathing in your scent & stop pretending to be okay. (i know how pathetic i was)

Despite all of my efforts to charge ahead & leave u behind, i keep thinking that with enough time u'll change yr mind. that u'll realize u made a mistake. that u want me back. that u want to be “us” again. that u still love me. i keep thinking that u'll simply change yr mind & come back to me.

But idk when or if that will happen & thats the most painful part of all of this. the possibility that the love of yr life may just simply not be me.

Either way, im going to start my new sem next week & im nervous. u're the only person who knows how to calm me down & that gonna be a day i’ll be leaving my room without u telling me that i can do it, that im going to be great, that i shouldn’t be scared & that u cant wait to hear all about it at the night. i'll go thru each & every day putting one foot in front of the other while studying hard to convince everyone that i am fine knowing that u're somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else. i will put u out of my mind & simply carry on. until i see yr favorite candy at the grocery store, until my phone vibrates, until that song comes on, until i hv to go to sleep. until i fall apart & hv to start all over again…without you.

I was a little heartbroken but grateful i had gotten to feel that passion again, to know it could still hv so much power over me. i knew before long i would be creating again.

In the middle of the night i am still wide awake bcs it takes a long time to memories the sound of yr breathing & the feeling of yr warm hand in mine. soon u will be gone & these souvenir memories will be all i hv left of u to hold. u will forget how my voice sounds, the jokes we laughed at until we cried & the way my tooth pokes out when i smile, but i will never forget yours.

i really missed u when i got home. all the energy i had put into loving u couldnt just disappear, it had to be redirected. & so i wrote every free moment i had & every story seemed to contain pieces of u. i held onto our memories like souvenirs. it all felt so precious to my romantic mind.



One thing about pain is that it demands to be felt. u know that by doing something u shouldnt do which will bring u pain & will cause u to think negatively & break yr heart even more. But somehow ... u still do it. It's that kind of pain that all u ought to do is just cry & lay on yr bed or in my case, the bathroom floor & u just wish that it might end that very second.

Everyone keep asking me this every time i cried about the person:
"don't u ever feel stupid crying over him while he's laughing & find it hilarious watching u desperately feel pain over the game he won?" "dont u feel stupid, getting jealous with whoever hes with, while hes dont even care or bother of whatever u feel?"

all i can promise u is that one day i'll get numb out of it. i'll be just fine. at this moment, & at a certain time i just cant but trust me i'll get over it, i know its just a broken heart, its just a bad day, not a bad life. Life is so much more than this. i promise u that.
I was a broken girl, trying to hold myself together during the day to be a good person & falling apart at night. i was so afraid of being lost, unloved & alone. one moment i felt everything & the next i was numb. i am living lifetimes inside single years. i am strong, powerful & brave. & at the same time i am confused, alone & afraid. i am lost but i am finding myself. i hv come so far but i still hv so far to go. i nurse my broken heart & broken dreams lightly, often forgetting they r there at all. i escape my past by embracing my present. when the dark quiet of night washes over the world nothing can distract me from my pain. but then the day comes & sets everything alight, reminding me of all there is to be grateful for. walk a mile in my shoes, c what i c, hear what i hear, feel what i feel then mybe u will understand y im being like this. i always say to myself "everything is going to be okay, better than okay". sometimes things were beautiful, sometimes we were even happier than we were before. but things weren’t always easy. but alhamdulillah with all those tough days will return with unprecedented happiness.


& today i woke up & decided i didnt want to feel that way ever again. i took a stand & i changed insyaAllah

I can just honestly say that im not happy. like, i still laugh at things that r funny, n i still smile at things, but inside, its a storm. a storm of thoughts, sadness, depressions,  constantly spiraling around in my head and it goes faster n faster n my heart starts beating n i start breathing faster and my chest gets tight n then i have to tell myself to calm down n to just breath slow n close my eyes.

But its not even the things that i go thru everyday, its myself. i despise seeing myself everyday. i hate myself and who i am. not even what i look like, but who i am. i hate myself. i havent always been this way, been this upset, i just slowly grew into it n slowly start the battle with myself. with starts battles with others, bcs im always fucking mad or upset or sad bcs im constantly thinking about how much i hate myself n then that makes me sad as hell or mad n then i take it out on others n everyone looks at me n theyre just like, “y r u doing this?” “y r u acting like this?” But NO ONE understands the everyday fight i have to just put a smile on my face.

Im sick of it, im so close to the edge and lately i just feel like jumping. this wont end, this feeling, these thoughts. I dont know how to end it, ive tried everything, but nothing seems to work.

Its been awhile but i still miss my camp. i miss the joy n fun in the dorm, in the teamwork between us, n the activity n so on.
in plkn u'll treasure every moment u hv in yr dorm whether to eat or to sleep or to gossip. bcs basically u dont hv much time strolling in yr dorm except for weekends or cuti umum. life in plkn was fun yet tiring.

Conclusion: plkn life was indeed fun hanging around with a bunch of friends from all over malaysia n from different races. We learnt to respect each other n live together for 3 months in peace. If u were lucky enough to be the chosen one , dont give up on this once in a lifetime opportunity :) u may be scared for the first few days ((I  hv to admit , i secretly cried for nearly 10 days until i get used to the life there n totally immersed in it)) Dont give up on plkn n use studies as an excuse . u get to study whenever u want but plkn is just once in a lifetime. we actually get paid having fun there RM 150.00 / month. so enjoy yr precious moment there. I bet ure gonna love plkn like me. ugh i miss