I can just honestly say that im not happy. like, i still laugh at things that r funny, n i still smile at things, but inside, its a storm. a storm of thoughts, sadness, depressions,  constantly spiraling around in my head and it goes faster n faster n my heart starts beating n i start breathing faster and my chest gets tight n then i have to tell myself to calm down n to just breath slow n close my eyes.

But its not even the things that i go thru everyday, its myself. i despise seeing myself everyday. i hate myself and who i am. not even what i look like, but who i am. i hate myself. i havent always been this way, been this upset, i just slowly grew into it n slowly start the battle with myself. with starts battles with others, bcs im always fucking mad or upset or sad bcs im constantly thinking about how much i hate myself n then that makes me sad as hell or mad n then i take it out on others n everyone looks at me n theyre just like, “y r u doing this?” “y r u acting like this?” But NO ONE understands the everyday fight i have to just put a smile on my face.

Im sick of it, im so close to the edge and lately i just feel like jumping. this wont end, this feeling, these thoughts. I dont know how to end it, ive tried everything, but nothing seems to work.



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